Just An Ego Trip?

This week, I’ve been trying hard to get into AP US history. Although it isn’t Friday yet, I think I realized that God’s will for me ISN’T to take AP US. I finally realized why, too. Why is it that every year, I go out and try to take all the AP/honors classes offered to me? Many times, I want to prove to myself and others that I am SMART so that they will respect me and think that I’m smart enough. Maybe it’s that grade-age thing that if I take all the AP classes, that I will be able to get out of college earlier and be with people older than me, so I can torment them.
But I was talking to Tim yesterday, and I finally wondered, WHY AM I DOING ALL THIS HARD WORK? Half the people I know who were in honors world history last year aren’t even taking AP this year. Tim–of all people, isn’t taking it either. He’s not even bothered by it. Then, I finally figured… it’s all ego for me. I KNOW I’m not good at history. Since elementary school, history has been my weaker subject. My STAR test scores even show that I’m only “proficient” compared to the people across California. I’ve been proficient in history since 7th grade! Why am I even bothering to kill myself if I know that I’m setting myself up for failure, especially during the most important year of my high school career?
Then, I remembered Spanish class. Tim and I were both in regular Spanish. I wasn’t even bothered by it. Perhaps it was because I figured, “itz just spanish… and i can’t fit honors into my schedule” But honestly, I wasn’t bothered by being in a regular class even if freshmen were in that class… and non-honors people were there, also. Being in regular Spanish gave me a chance to SHINE and be near the top of the class.
So, maybe a month from now, I may somehow weave my way into the same trap of thinking of mine… when I regret why I didn’t take band “on contract” and why I’m in the same class with regular students. But the thing is–right now, I’m not angry. I’ve realized… my eagerness to kill myself to be in AP US is just an ego trip. It’s all for my ego’s sake..
But what am I trying to prove?.. If I have 50% or more of the ex-honors history kids in the same class as me? I’m still an honors kid… just not in history

Kinda Bummed Out…

Uggh. I’m sitting at home this LOVELY Friday afternoon… and I’m just… really pissed right now… I really hate myself sometimes because of my work habits. I’m a little angry at Mrs. G for forgetting about me… but mostly, I want to kill myself because of that D in chem. You know what that D means?.. I can’t get into CSF this semester… I was hoping.. freshman year, I totally lost my chance to be in CSF because of my grades first semester… I got 2 C’s… and a B-… and something else.. I think I was like… 1 or 2 points away from qualifying… then, second semester, i got all B’s… so that didn’t help either. Now, this semester, according to CSF rules or something, I can’t qualify because I got a D in chem.. -_____-” frigging D+ too!… and I thought my grade was going to be changed.
I just want to participate in SOMETHING. I want to be ACTIVE in school. I know I screwed up last semester. but I just want to …. get over that and qualify for A CLUB. or two… like NHS and CSF. Those have been my dream clubs since high school started. But… that D+ really ruined my dream of doing ANYTHING. I can’t even qualify for … NHS now b/c of my grades. -__-”

I got my wisdom teeth pulled out today. My mouth kinda hurts…but… the annoying thing is that I can’t eat… I’m afraid to open my mouth too wide cuz of the surgical site.

Anyways, I’m kinda scared now, cuz I was talking to Mommy earlier, and she asked me permission to go down to school and retrieve my report card that we “never got”… well, I did get it… the right time, but I never wanted to show her because of my D in chem. Now, she’s gonna be so pissed at me when she finds out… I just want to do that make-up assignment before she remembers and goes down to school.

I seriously think Mrs. Grosse forgot about me.. cuz… she told me to “lay low” for a while, but then, she totally ignored me… and has been ignoring me.

I seriously don’t want that D in chem..